Ten Green Thumbs?

We are sometimes told that we are all unique, in that all the children are special and everyone wins a prize kind of way, when it is actually true that each individual is more likely to be unique for the set of negative medical issues they are forced to deal with and how they deal with them. Somebody’s uniqueness may stem from and be represented by being a short, overweight, paracetamol addict who suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder, has a limp and speaks with a high-pitched nasal voice. If this is to be a theory then my theory is that being dealt these cards may lead two people to approach life very differently from each other and this is where personality comes in, and it’s where uniqueness is born. Of course there are other factors – education, family income, nationality, religion, and all those obvious things that economists can factor into their equations.

Anyway I have strange thumbs. I’ve actually got strange little toes as well – Mum used to think I had somehow broken them as a baby, but I don’t think that’s correct … and this isn’t meant to be about little toes – it’s about thumbs.

To be honest, I had never considered my thumbs to be that weird. They’re stumpy and sort of squared off in the joint where the nail is. It had just seemed to me that they weren’t attractive, and that this isn’t a serious issue. In palmistry a short first phalange can indicate a weak-willed person, if it is square it indicates cleverness in legal matters and a desire to uphold justice, and a certain amount of obstinacy if the top joint is wide. Not bad qualities, or so it seemed – and even not a bad summary of what I’m like: a person with strongly held views about right and wrong, when I could be bothered, who can be stubborn sometimes.

Apparently Laetitia thought this appendage of mine was more unsightly/amusing than she let on and so she did a bit of research. The internet is a brilliant place for ‘medical research’ if you think there may be something wrong with you. I have wondered with a degree of seriousness that ought to be embarrassing about whether I could be suffering all manner of ailments after a session looking up symptoms online. It’s only natural to have doubts, and then when some seem confirmed you look up others and build a virtual medical history of what you’d be like if there were bad bad things happening to you. But, of course, they aren’t. Laetitia found out what this type of malformation is called: Brachydactyly (meaning “short digits”). It’s rare, so that’s interesting, if not unique on it’s own. But it can be associated with a number of other imperfections in fingers and toes, and these symptoms can also be associated with big problems, like Down’s Syndrome.

It doesn’t seem important enough to have a name, and it’s quite a fruity and rare sounding medical name too – “brak-ky-dak-tilley”. But all of this would have been a minor diversion, something a bit interesting, but not an issue of any significance, until it was revealed to be something of far greater dimensions. A vital issue, in fact, the focus of media attention and comment. You see, a celebrity suffers from the crushing weight of this cruel syndrome. The poor victim is one Megan Fox. Apparently she’s an actor, although I must confess to missing a large proportion of her work … OK, all of it. A hand double was used in a Motorola TV commercial that the star of Bad Boys II (uncredited) made, when it was time for a close up of her texting. One wonders if suffering in this way is a hinderance to Megan. All I know about her is that she is a very attractive woman with a stupid Marilyn Monroe tattoo and she is reportedly a thoroughly unpleasant person who treats all the crew members on her films with disdain when she could be bothered recognising that they exist. She’s not even a very good actress, or so I’ve heard.

There has been no change for me. Same old existence, straining under a circumstance I never knew was anything more than funny looking thumbs. But I do have something rare that’s wrong with me. Only slightly wrong but still wrong. Laetitia sings the “thumbs and toes” song she made up, to amuse herself and to taunt in the gentlest possible way. I maintain it is not a song at all, as it lacks verses and a chorus.

I spend time now watering plants and keeping them alive and some of them seem to like my personal touch, so it could even be said that I have green fingers, or thumbs. What does Megan do with her thumbs, I wonder?

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