Worrying About Worry

My constant travelling companion is worry. It never leaves. It provides company and means that my mind is never quite idle. Perhaps an occupied mind is a good thing in some situations (a by-product of worry always being in the bed above you in the train sleeper carriage is that you often choose to think about something else, and that means you are mentally active and it hopefully also implies an interest in a variety of ideas and pastimes) but it means that when all other bits of the body are shutting down, for sleep, say, worry is still there. Worry is like a slightly smelly person who breathes too loud on public transport – can be ignored if the book you are reading is a good book and your attention is devoted to it, but if the book isn’t so good you smell the smell and hear the noise. Of course, some of the mechanisms available to take your mind off worry involve stimulants and depressants and using them isn’t good, really, except in a controlled manner.

Sometimes the tension and the stress associated with worry become too much for me. I find myself doing things I don’t want to do, and usually don’t do. Sometimes the physical expression of these psychological and emotional torments can surprise and become something concerning in themselves. At various times I have found myself yelling and being violent with objects and changing body temperature and that sort of thing. It can be alarming.

I like to think I’m in control of myself but in reality who can really say that they are? Or that they not lose control? We all do, when passions are stirred and the basic elements of our makeup – the “caveman” part of our personality asserts itself and the sophisticated, coffee connoisseur part hides behind something until the club swinging stops. Sometimes this primitive reaction is against the negative consequences of worry.

I wish I hadn’t shouted at the dog earlier.

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Published in: on September 29, 2010 at 8:40 pm  Leave a Comment  

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