Seeing Clearly

Sometimes I dream about not working where I work. In fact, dream isn’t right, I don’t dream about it when I’m asleep, and that’s a good thing for presumably I would wake up and in all likelihood get quite an unpleasant shock when I realised it wasn’t real, and was, in fact, all a dream. What I mean is a sort of daydream dream, a waking vision that I take seriously, as if planning a predictable and imminent future reality, and it has its own attendant problems when I address the logistics and the timing, but the overall effect is calming – that’s why I do it – and the sense that we are always very close to life becoming dramatically better, as a result of one decision or one action, which at the time may seem like the most routine thing, is a powerful and present force for me which salves my put upon disposition.

The right thing to do, at the right time, and everything else will flow from there – a mighty thought indeed. And all obstacles, which were in my way, now won’t be, and it will all seem so easy, and I’ll wonder why I didn’t make life better in this way earlier. Of course, it’s possible that there will be decisions and reactions which turn our life upside down and have a disastrous impact on the future, changing everything for the worse. These things can happen, and they have happened, to other people, rather than me thankfully, but I am aware of the temporary interpersonal cataclysms possible when saying something the wrong way or not flagging an intention to respond to some stimulus. Simply fucking up: not judging a situation correctly or missing the potential for a problem on the horizon. A lot of life is about prediction, sniffing the wind, using your experience to know what to do and when. And when you spend so much time judging and measuring motives and potentialities in an effort to not be surprised by any eventuality, it is a soul rocking shock to have badness sprung upon you. Frightening. Frustrating, if you know you could have done something about it, but didn’t, as it didn’t appear on the possible conflict radar.

And my daydreams of leaving my current employ are about softening the blow, for me as much as anyone else; of leaving in a quiet part of the year, with fewest staff around, of requesting no send-off, and hopefully just melting away. These ideas are probably unrealistic, but entertain them. I do.

Trust me to get wrapped up in the minutiae of the personal embarrassment factor, rather than something more practical, like how to get better work, with better job satisfaction, and better money. It’s a bit like a story my mother tells about members of her family in the 1950s who had a ticket in a raffle or lottery with a car (they would have called it a “motor car”) as the prize. The kids started talking about what they would do if they won the car, and conversation turned to where they would all sit, and this became an argument about who would sit in the front seat. You need to win the car first.

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Published in: on October 21, 2010 at 7:24 pm  Leave a Comment  

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