Work Suspended

It feels as if something has short-circuited in my brain. There’s a grey concrete wall just inside my skull and the thinking apparatus is cut off. Thought is hard to do, and impossible to do properly. A topic itself seems to be as deep as I can go: when I make the decision to explore an idea nothing happens. But it’s as if there’s something going on behind the wall – the odd spark and even flame is visible or able to be felt, which seems to indicate the furnace hasn’t gone out yet, but that’s no use really. No thoughts are being generated and if they are they are not circulating. It’s almost like being a small child in a room with the door closed, and beyond the door, in another room, are voices and people doing things, and you just want to know what they are saying and what they are doing, but you can’t know, as you’re in the room with the door closed, and what’s going on behind the door probably isn’t very interesting, but you don’t know that at the time, as you’re a little kid and you don’t know stuff like that yet, and you feel keenly the sense of missing out and not being involved, and basically being at the centre of events, and it doesn’t matter anyway really what’s going on beyond the door as nothing’s going on on this side of the door, nothing at all, how could it be in this prison, where you have  been confined to have an afternoon nap or some sort of torture like that, and all you really want to do is get out, beyond the door, get away, outside, and be free, and you wonder what they are talking about, what they are doing, who they are talking to, and it’s a mystery and it’s confusing and it’s hopeless, and you hate it. And maybe it’s not like being a kid in a room with the door closed at all. It’s like being a tired adult with not a hell of a lot to say about anything much which is terribly interesting, but trying hard to say something.

Blood pumps, lungs expand and contract, cells die and divide, and I never did go on an Easter egg hunt as a little boy. My brain is doing many different things all at the same time; it’s just that I can’t make it work for me.

Published in: on April 4, 2012 at 8:20 pm  Leave a Comment  

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