SASSY TOWN FOLLIES by Felicity Appleton, no. 33 September 23

Unexpected Presents

When I gave Adriano a pink plastic lei he couldn’t hide his disappointment. He said it was “fabulous”, of course – “really wonderful, thanks so much Flick” – but he wasn’t convincing anybody. He definitely wasn’t convincing me. The smile was there and he put the lei on and danced his version of a hula and said he was a real Hawaiian dancing girl, but, well I knew.

I was smiling. Trying to not smile too much, in fact. I knew that there was another present. A real present. I had to hide what I knew and pretend that I thought he really meant it when he said he’d always wanted a lei in that shade of fuchsia. It did suit him though. He was wearing a silk grey shirt with the top three buttons undone, and he’d just had his chest waxed (he tells us when he’s having it done, and demands we say nice things about how good it looks afterwards), and he does move pretty well. But then I got out his real present. It was a pair of red Tommy Hilfiger underpants and a pair of timeless Calvin Klein underpants. Both boxer trunks. He only wears boxer trunks. We know that because he posts pictures of himself wearing boxer trunks on his Facebook page all the time. Sometimes it’s at some bubble party in a warehouse in the inner city, but it’s often just Adriano at home, posing. He prides himself on his taste in underwear and his collection of classic underwear brands.

He was really happy when I gave him his real present. “Oh, Flick you shouldn’t have!” he said, and he gave a little squeal. You could see he was desperate to try both pairs on. It is such a pleasure to buy presents for such an appreciative audience.

I realised how happy it made me to see him happy and at the same time I realised that I’d missed him. He’s lazy and vain and moody and needy and selfish, but he’s a good friend and he’s my friend.

“Was there cake at the hotel buffet?” he asked.

I said there was. Now I was excited. I love hotel breakfast and hotel buffets. I was about to tell him about the cakes and pastries and all the other good things, when he said: “Your hips, honey! It looks like you’ve put away quite a few slices over the two weeks.”

“You bitch, Adriano!” I said.

“Just call it as I see it.”

“I can’t believe this.”

“Don’t then. Believe that,” he said, pointing at the door to the board room where we were eating our morning tea.

In came a huge cake. One of the Behemoth range from The Cupcakery. A three berry special – my favourite: blueberry, cranberry, and goji berry. There was a pink candle sticking out of the top of the cake and Jonesy carried the thing into the room, followed by all the other Sparky People staff. It was my four year anniversary at SP and they decided to do something special. A surprise. Adriano said he would make me upset, to “enhance the surprise”, and so he had to do it, even though he didn’t really want to. That’s what he said to me afterwards. He has a very strange sense of humour so this could be a true story. Adriano says Jonesy dared him to do it, and I can believe that. He did seem genuinely sorry afterwards and said that my hips didn’t look very big at all.

I hope they don’t.

It was a lovely cake, and a big surprise.

Published in: on September 23, 2013 at 8:34 pm  Leave a Comment  
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