Organising The Weekend

So he’ll be coming?

Of course. He always comes. When has he not come?

He didn’t used to come with us.

That’s true. But he’s one of us and has been for a long time. He’s always there. Of course he is.

That’s true.

You don’t want him to come.

I didn’t say that. I was just asking.

You didn’t ask about Steve.

I just assumed …

Yeah, well you didn’t assume equally.

I don’t know what you’re getting at.

Your question. Sounds a bit like you’ve got an agenda.

No. I don’t have an agenda. The question occurred to me and I asked it. That’s all. A question about Steve didn’t pop into my head so I didn’t ask it. I may have asked about Steve if you hadn’t told me that he would be coming. I don’t know.

Well OK. You just never seem to like him that much.

You do.

Yeah, I do. I thought we all did. But I’m not sure you do.

Yes, I do. I do. I like all of us. We’re mates. We are all mates, aren’t we?

We are.

You like him a lot.

He likes me.

Everybody likes you. You’re on TV all the time. People who don’t even know you like you. You’ve got millions of fans. Well, thousands anyway.

That’s not real liking. It’s certainly not friendship. You guys are my friends.

We try. We fit you in when we can.

Very funny.

When we aren’t busy meeting politicians and judges and developing new clothing lines.

I’ve already explained that. There was a gap in the babywear market. And my manager says I’m very popular with young mums.

So they put their toddlers into jumpsuits with your head on them?


They really have your head on them? I was mucking around. That’s ridiculous.

No, it isn’t. Actually, yeah it’s pretty ridiculous. That’s true. These opportunities come up and they might only ask once so the best idea is to take the chance. For every ten ventures which come my way only one or two might be a real success but you don’t know which ones it will be unless you put your name to all ten.

Is that what your manager says?

Yes. He’s a very smart guy. You’d like him.

Would I? I’ve never met him.

No, well, you don’t work with me do you?

But I never see your wife either. We used to be friends. We got on well anyway. I miss Shelley. I think.

But you don’t see me much either. I don’t see you guys. None of us see very much of each other.

It’s you though. I see Steve sometimes. And Ant. You don’t see people. You don’t want to see people.

But I’m busy. I’m genuinely busy. I hardly ever sleep in my own bed. I don’t see much of my family and that’s because I’m working so hard.

But when you see people it has to be under your rules. You have to organise it. You have to be in control.

Because you guys won’t arrange anything. It’s hard to find a date when we’re all available.

I’ve never even met two of your three kids.

No, well that’s true. It’s more fun with just the boys though. We all think that don’t we?

Yeah, but it suits you.

What does that mean?

It means you put us all into a box. A box you open once or twice a year and then close up and never see us.

I’m overseas for about half the time. What’s your problem? We’ve all got our own lives.

You only want him to come because he sucks up to you.

He doesn’t take the piss out of me at every single opportunity.


But it’s fun when you guys do that. We all do it to each other. I love it. I really miss it. The jokes and the banter and the being silly buggers.

It is fun.

Well what’s your problem then? It’s about him. Tell me.

He’s an alcoholic.

OK. He drinks a bit.

It’s embarrassing. For him it should be embarrassing, but it’s embarrassing for me and for the others. They’ve told me.

He drinks too much. We all do.

You know it’s different.

I think you’ve never really got on well with him and that’s what this is about.

Not true.

I don’t know then. What do you want to do?

I want you to talk to him.

Next time he comes over I will.

He comes over?

I was joking.

Published in: on December 4, 2013 at 7:19 pm  Leave a Comment  

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